I'm not going to lie...the last couple of months have not been easy. I know many of you might be thinking I just dropped off the face of the Earth. I know I have felt somewhat disconnected from reality, and have therefore been pretty unattainable in comparison to previous times. I will catch everyone up to speed and make my apologies here for not keeping in better touch. For those of you that may not know, my year has basically progressed as follows: I moved over the holidays and into our new place in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas in January. On February 21st, my Dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 51. Over the next week I went to Kentucky to organize his funeral and take care of his final matters. I was barely beginning to really process his loss when, while having dinner out with my husband for our 3rd anniversary on March 27th, I received the call from my grandmother that my grandfather was ill and wasn't going to make it. I booked a flight for the next day, but got snowed in and couldn't leave until the 29th. He died on the 28th. My daughter and I stayed with my grandmother (who lost her son and her husband of 53 years in the span of one month) for the rest of March and April, leaving my son and my husband behind. Kenric and Brandon joined us on the 24th of April for the military honors burial service. We all flew home on Monday, the 27th. On Friday, May 1st, Kenric's father came for a weekend visit.
I can't honestly say I know exactly how I feel. Sometimes, maybe even most times, I am "fine". As in, I don't cry constantly and it is just a dull ache that is just there, but that I have accepted and have to learn to deal with. Other moments, such as when I saw Kenric having discussions with his father or Taylor hugging on him and showing off or finding a father's day card that I bought and never had a chance to send...those moments that surprise me and hit me so hard. Those moments when I just want to cry and don't want to stop. Those moments I don't think I'll ever truly be okay. Those moments I miss my Daddy and both my grandfather's, who have now passed within two years of one another, so much that my heart hurts. Those moments and I just wonder how I will ever go on normally with the important men in my life no longer there. Two generations on one side and one on the other are just gone.
Of course, as we all know, life just continues to go on. It doesn't falter or hasten for grief, sadness, loss or confusion. It just keeps rolling on, the world continuing to spin. This being the case, I also have found out other news in the midst of all my sadness. I am pregnant again. It is bittersweet. I am excited about the news, but it is a blunted excitement that seems somewhat out of place given all other factors.
Also, my best friend is getting married today. I wish I could have been there, but my finances and my energy level have been depleted from the past two months and I just couldn't make it. I am so happy for him and his soon-to-be wife, Ryana. They make a lovely couple.
On the 23rd of May, my little sister, Brittanie, will be getting married to her fiance, Justin. I have already bought the dress to be in the wedding (which I may not fit now that I seem to be gaining weight more rapidly than with previous pregnancies), so the kids and I will be traveling to Indiana and making stops afterward to visit my sister-in-law, Roxanne in Indiana also; my mother-in-law, Leslie, in Ohio; and my mom, other siblings and best friend in Kentucky. So, once again I will be leaving my husband behind. I told him that I was the deployed spouse this year.
We will probably be home mid-June and will be going on our family vacation to Branson, Missouri, at the end of June, returning by mid-July. Some time in June, we should know where we will be stationed next. We would like to be in Clarksville, TN, but nothing is guaranteed. Kenric had his interview with branch yesterday, and was told that it was pretty confident he would get one of his top three choices. So, it's either TN, Germany, or Colorado, I guess. I'm still not counting on anything until paper's are in hand. We will be moving in December (as we always seem to be), which poses additional logistical difficulties this year since I will be due around that time, I believe. I will have my first doctor's appointment next week, so things will be a little more clear soon.
So, given the fact that my year will be half over before I am really in Kansas long enough to make any real connections, I don't think I'll be making any major efforts to reach out and meet people. I'm sure I might regret it sometime, when I am bored and need someone to talk with, but right now, I just don't care. I don't feel the most sociable anyway...at least not with people I don't already know.
Well, I suppose that catches people up on my life as it has been recently. I can truly say that I am full of mixed emotions. I hope everyone can understand if I don't call or write often. And, I apologize for sending this out instead of individual calls and letters, but it is overwhelming to talk about my losses over and over. So, in the interest of time (and my sanity) a blog must suffice.
I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the moments with their loved ones. I never expected to lose my father like this. It's the thing about loss, it rarely seems to happen when you expect it. Let the ones around you know how much you care. It can never be too much. Take care.
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