Well, as you may know, my world has recently been turned upside-down with the unexpected death of my father. It is a hard thing to deal with. My grief comes in waves, usually when I am alone, which makes me thankful that it has been a rare moment that I have been alone in the weeks since his passing. I have to admit that I am in a really weird place right now. I have always struggled with what my version of God is and this has only rekindled the constant internal struggle I have between what I see as logic versus faith. There is a lot that I cannot accept at face value regarding Western religion, but there is also a sense of peace that I felt directly following my Dad's death that made me wonder why I didn't feel more upset in that moment. Was I mentally blocking or was he letting me know he was safe and pain-free now? I can't be sure. I can't determine whether or not I feel like his death is even "final". Either way, regardless of the possibility of an afterlife, it does not help me to know that the rest of my living life I will be without my father's encouraging voice; his strong, sure hugs; or his much-valued wisdom. There is nothing logical that tells me that humans deserve to have another opportunity to see their loved ones again. Why would we? Shouldn't we be pretty darn thankful for the life that we do get, without expecting it to continue in some form or fashion after we die? I guess I am just struggling with faith even more now that I have lost another family member and one whom I honestly (and stupidly) assumed would be around forever. I just don't know what to do without my Daddy and it hurts. But I will keep plunging on day by day because there is nothing much more I can do. I still have family and responsibilities here with me now and my Dad, of all people, would want me to remain strong and pulled-together for them. I miss him so much and there are so many split-second moments where I am "reminded" that he isn't here any more...as though I actually forgot. And the pain washes over me once again. How do people do it? How do people lose those close to them and move on? My experience so far has shown me that they take it one day at a time and never fully focus on the reality of the details. I know he is not here, but I can't take it if I focus on the previous and future missed opportunities. So, I put it on the peripheral and hope against hope that there is something to this faith that so many take for granted and I will see him again...some day. Until then...day by day, day by day.
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